Here I am, week 5 of my return to work. My gradual return to work plan was agreed to by my people manager, HR, and insurance company. I am extremely privileged to have had this as an option over the past 4 weeks, working a modified schedule to increase my endurance and get used to the routine. I don't know how all of the new parents out there do this without a gradual return, sometimes being off for over a year (yes, us Canadians are incredibly blessed with our mat and pat leave options). Anyways, my boss has been really supportive, same goes for my team. I did not want to come back to any kind of special attention (I know, ME, not wanting fanfare?!) and am glad to report that my wishes were respected. I will say that coming back fully remote has been strange in a way, at times a bit isolating. I am lucky enough that Nick is just upstairs, and he gets me out of the house. I also couldn't handle being at the office every day, even on those modified hours. I cannot tell you how tired I have been. I was worried I actually had COVID this past week, my mood and energy levels being quite low. I am trying to remember to give myself grace, and how far I have come. Nick has reminded me what it was like for all of us office workers who went fully remote at the beginning of the pandemic. Our eyes were sore, backs aching from not sitting in our wonderfully ergonomic (and expensive) office chairs, and looking into a screen every day, all day, is exhausting.
After work today I am planning to go to my first industry event after work, the first one since the pandemic started. Nick is volunteering with a real estate association that is hosting an evening at the Docks in the east end. While I am not ready to swing a club at the range yet, I'm looking forward to socializing and perhaps a little pitch and putt. I'm going to spend the work day at the office, and am kind of anxious? Kind of not. Mondays and Fridays are pretty quiet I hear, and that will make it less intimidating for sure. I am actually most nervous about getting emotional when I see people for the first time in a while, I mean I was going into my office last summer, but no one else was! I saw a select few colleagues, but that was it. My company has taken the stance that you must go into the office in some regular capacity, so with that forced return comes more people traffic. My plan is simple, LOTS of eye makeup and fake tan so I don't cry? My war paint is my comfort today.
Speaking of comfort, I would say I am most conscious of my body image right now. I know that after being as sick as I was I wasn't going to come back to work with a weight loss glow up. The hormones, sedentary lifestyle, endurance, this is challenging. One day last week I had a really tough time and was super overwhelmed, just looking in the mirror at myself. I would estimate I have gained at least 15 lbs since this time last year, and I was already not feeling comfortable in my skin. When I walk into work today will people be like "woah what happened to her, did someone take a bicycle pump to her?!" or will they actually notice? Look at me, masking my insecurities with humour, classic SC behaviour...
Therapy has been hugely helpful in my mindset and the relationship with my body. Being a competitive athlete for most of my life, obviously the body changes when you aren't training like that, and eating accordingly. Changing my mindset to exercise and food not being punishment is huge. It is a privilege to move your body, if anyone knows that, it is me. How lucky am I that I can get out of the bed by myself, and go for a walk, independently? These are two things I couldn't do as recently as April. Food! Food is meant to be enjoyed. Trying to live off of celery has never worked for me in the past, why would it now? I do have allergies and intolerances, but hey, blessed are we who can take a digestive enzyme to help the tum tum.
Changing my mindset to being not as heavy and being worthy is probably the most impactful thing I have learned through this journey, and I now work through this every day. This time last year if I had an unflattering picture of myself, didn't look perfectly made up, I wouldn't dare post it. Now I do. I would rather be real and post the moments where I feel extremely happy, even if my body doesn't look the way I wish it did. There was a time years ago where I went through some of my toughest times with anxiety, and I started avoiding social settings. I made excuses not to go to birthday parties, dinners, and I didn't show up for people where I should have. Why do we associate weight with success so much? I don't care what my friends look like! They are my friends because they are gorgeous from the inside.
Well, wish me luck today. Here goes nothin'!
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